Ask Isis, Revered Goddess of Feline Advice

Join Isis each month as she counsels cats into commanding the respect and sacred status that they once held in ancient Egypt.

An Open Letter from Isis:

Dear Cat Writers' Association,

It has recently come to my attention that you doled out a bunch of awards at some big fancy affair in California. I heard through the office grapevine that the President's Award for this year went to the gal in the next office over from me, Mary Anne Miller, editor of Felinexpress.com.  Now don't get me wrong, she's a pretty hard worker and all, but the last time I looked around this office, I am the one and only actual CAT writer on this staff! What is this world coming to when the Cat Writers' Association has stopped recognizing the writing efforts of C-A-T-S!  I suppose I'll have to submit my work over at the People Writers' Association.  Fat chance I’ll have at winning anything there, either.  With my luck, their big award will go to some dog.  I’ll just have to keep my paws crossed that our winner doesn't gloat.  I hope this doesn't affect the quality of my work.

Sincerely,
Isis,
Feline Advice

The lady who feeds me took me to an evil woman who shaved my body, but left my legs, face and tail in their full and gorgeous state. Sadly, I now look like a plucked chicken in go-go boots.   What can I do to make sure she never does this to me again?

Hairless
Western Kentucky USA

Dear Hairless,

Darling, haven’t you heard that Sphynxes are “in”?  What you seem to be forgetting that we, as a species, exclude more charm and class than any other.  You simply can’t look bad.  But if you truly don’t care for the look, I’d remember that you were given claws for a reason.

Dear Isis,
My human is very mad at me right now.  I left him a surprise in his slipper last night. He doesn’t like surprises and now I am in a doghouse. It is very insulting to be a cat in a doghouse.  Can you help me?
 
Hairball Hairy
Pennsylvania

Dear Hairy, 

It’s tough enough writing this column without dealing in vagueness.  Are you referring to the figurative language ‘doghouse’, or are you literally out in the yard?  Either way, make lemonade, sugar.  First off, no self-respecting feline loses even a wink of sleep over who might be mad at him.  Turn those tables, kitten.  If you are quite actually out in a doghouse, I say it’s high time for a little vacation!  Vegas is jumping this time of year.

Dear Isis,
My owner is insisting on dressing me up in little outfits.  I have been allowing it out of fondness for her.  What do you think?

Drag Queen
New York City

Dear Queen,
Oh, no no no, a thousand times no!  The Devil may have worn Prada, but the only coat on your back should be 100% au natural.  A little resistance worked wonders for the American colonists, and it will for you, too.

Dear Isis,
I think my owner is taking me for granted and regards me as a low maintenance pet.  What can I do to change this?
 
Herbie
Atlanta, Georgia USA

Dear Herbie,
It’s obvious that you are much smarter than your owner.  It’s about time you showed him that.  I suggest a few reminders while he is away at work.  I know you can manage some simple stunts like opening cabinets and drawers or unrolling a few rolls of toilet paper.  Undignified, yes, but it establishes who really is in control in your home.  Don’t let him off his guard for a minute.  Good luck, dear.

Dear Isis,
I have been bringing earthworms home to my owner lately and she is displeased with me bringing them in the house.  What can I do?

McKinley
Portland, Oregon USA

Dear McKinley,
I have no doubt whatsoever that your owner is displeased with you.  I am none too happy with you at the moment either.  What self-respecting cat catches earthworms?  Here you are lucky to be a member of a species with magnificent hunting prowess, and you can’t even manage prey with legs?  For goodness sake, try to at least catch something that scurries.  Remember dear, it’s the early bird that catches the worm.  Nobody is writing proverbs about early cats.

Dear Isis,
My owner keeps cleaning my litter pan every day. I like to play poop hockey and she spoils my fun! What can I do?

Perturbed
Brownsville, Texas USA

Dear Perturbed,

If your owner has named you Perturbed, I’d say you have bigger problems than you mention.  Please do some research on your own species.  Cats are fastidious, clean animals.  The whole ‘poop hockey’ concept is repulsive.  You might as well be a dog and slobber all over the place.  Please consider some intensive therapy.

Send your questions to .  Isis regrets that she cannot send personal replies and asks if you cannot type or spell to please get your owner to write the letter.