Ask Isis, Revered Goddess of Feline Advice

Join Isis each month as she counsels cats into commanding the respect and sacred status that they once held in ancient Egypt.

An Open Letter from Isis:

Dear Cat Writers' Association,

It has recently come to my attention that you doled out a bunch of awards at some big fancy affair in California. I heard through the office grapevine that the President's Award for this year went to the gal in the next office over from me, Mary Anne Miller, editor of Felinexpress.com.  Now don't get me wrong, she's a pretty hard worker and all, but the last time I looked around this office, I am the one and only actual CAT writer on this staff! What is this world coming to when the Cat Writers' Association has stopped recognizing the writing efforts of C-A-T-S!  I suppose I'll have to submit my work over at the People Writers' Association.  Fat chance I’ll have at winning anything there, either.  With my luck, their big award will go to some dog.  I’ll just have to keep my paws crossed that our winner doesn't gloat.  I hope this doesn't affect the quality of my work.

Sincerely,
Isis,
Feline Advice

Dear Isis,
There is a small room off the bedroom with a really nice swimming hole. Problem is, the hours it’s available varies so much I can’t keep up.  Sometimes, when I go in there, the swimming hole is exposed, other times a hard white cover prevents me from taking the plunge. What gives?
 
Van Gulp
Flower Mound, TX

Dear Van,
Playing in that swimming hole is risky business, because that is where your humans do their…er…umm…business,  if you get my drift? What’s next darling one, breast-stroking in your litter pan?

Dear Isis,
I live with a group of cats who are quite weird. They like to sleep with the dog! I may be the runt of the litter, but hissing and spitting is my game. How can you let these felines know they have been led astray?
 
Hissy
Ketchikan, AK

Deart Hissy,
Take a paws and get  wise here dear! Do I have to remind you that you are low cat on the totem pole food chain of life? If this dog is a toy poodle, you  might be safe. If however, the dog is bigger than a breadbox, you might just be the next thing on the menu! Take a hint from your wise feline friends. “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer!”

Dear Isis,
My caretaker is mad at me because I take her jewelry off the dresser and drop it in my litter box. I don’t know what her problem is? It’s gold jewelry and I am burying it for Pete’s sake!
 
Bartolomeow
Miami, FL

Ahoy there Bart!
 
My dear, haven’t you ever heard of a PAWn shop? Cats like you so fleet of feet need to beat it down to the local PAWn shop and turn in that gold for some hard cash. Just think of it, Kitty Kaviar for life!

Dear Isis,
My human insists on wrapping me up in this ratty old towel like a burrito several times a day. To add insult to injury, she then proceeds to shove vile tasting pills down my throat!  HALP……
 
Mexican Stand-off
Albuquerque, NM

Dear Mexi-
Lift your tail and shake it baby! Baptize that ratty old towel several times a day in true kitty style! Your human will be so put off by your swinging telegram, she will be the one needing to take pills!

The lady who feeds me took me to an evil woman who shaved my body, but left my legs, face and tail in their full and gorgeous state. Sadly, I now look like a plucked chicken in go-go boots.   What can I do to make sure she never does this to me again?

Hairless
Western Kentucky USA

Dear Hairless,

Darling, haven’t you heard that Sphynxes are “in”?  What you seem to be forgetting that we, as a species, exclude more charm and class than any other.  You simply can’t look bad.  But if you truly don’t care for the look, I’d remember that you were given claws for a reason.

Dear Isis,
My human is very mad at me right now.  I left him a surprise in his slipper last night. He doesn’t like surprises and now I am in a doghouse. It is very insulting to be a cat in a doghouse.  Can you help me?
 
Hairball Hairy
Pennsylvania

Dear Hairy, 

It’s tough enough writing this column without dealing in vagueness.  Are you referring to the figurative language ‘doghouse’, or are you literally out in the yard?  Either way, make lemonade, sugar.  First off, no self-respecting feline loses even a wink of sleep over who might be mad at him.  Turn those tables, kitten.  If you are quite actually out in a doghouse, I say it’s high time for a little vacation!  Vegas is jumping this time of year.

Dear Isis,
My owner is insisting on dressing me up in little outfits.  I have been allowing it out of fondness for her.  What do you think?

Drag Queen
New York City

Dear Queen,
Oh, no no no, a thousand times no!  The Devil may have worn Prada, but the only coat on your back should be 100% au natural.  A little resistance worked wonders for the American colonists, and it will for you, too.

Dear Isis,
I think my owner is taking me for granted and regards me as a low maintenance pet.  What can I do to change this?
 
Herbie
Atlanta, Georgia USA

Dear Herbie,
It’s obvious that you are much smarter than your owner.  It’s about time you showed him that.  I suggest a few reminders while he is away at work.  I know you can manage some simple stunts like opening cabinets and drawers or unrolling a few rolls of toilet paper.  Undignified, yes, but it establishes who really is in control in your home.  Don’t let him off his guard for a minute.  Good luck, dear.

Dear Isis,
I have been bringing earthworms home to my owner lately and she is displeased with me bringing them in the house.  What can I do?

McKinley
Portland, Oregon USA

Dear McKinley,
I have no doubt whatsoever that your owner is displeased with you.  I am none too happy with you at the moment either.  What self-respecting cat catches earthworms?  Here you are lucky to be a member of a species with magnificent hunting prowess, and you can’t even manage prey with legs?  For goodness sake, try to at least catch something that scurries.  Remember dear, it’s the early bird that catches the worm.  Nobody is writing proverbs about early cats.

Dear Isis,
My owner keeps cleaning my litter pan every day. I like to play poop hockey and she spoils my fun! What can I do?

Perturbed
Brownsville, Texas USA

Dear Perturbed,

If your owner has named you Perturbed, I’d say you have bigger problems than you mention.  Please do some research on your own species.  Cats are fastidious, clean animals.  The whole ‘poop hockey’ concept is repulsive.  You might as well be a dog and slobber all over the place.  Please consider some intensive therapy.

Send your questions to love (AT) felinexpress.com.  Isis regrets that she cannot send personal replies and asks if you cannot type or spell to please get your owner to write the letter.